Welcome to my home, you guys! And by “my home” I mean “this blog post where I talk about True Blood a lot” and by “talk about True Blood a lot” I mean “mostly think about how Sookie and Eric should have sex like, yesterday (instead of going to Jackson) while typing some rambly bullshit” and by “Sookie and Eric” I mean “Eric and Katie”*.
So anyway. True Blood. I’m not going to recap for you, because, well, too lazy. But I will cast judgment on all of the characters, because it is what I do best!**
Tara: Okay, Tara. I’m sorry your life is hard, and that the one time you thought you were happy you were a fucking zombie (and I’m really happy we’re finally starting to talk about why Tara is so unhappy all the time, rather than just going with the fact that she’s an angry black woman. That’s fun.). I’m sorry Eggs is dead, and that people called him Eggs, and that you and Sookie were the only ones at his funeral. I’m not going to pull a Sam and get after you about grunting during sex because, well, as far as I’m concerned that’s fine. But the o-face? What. the. fuck. Can we try something different next time, please? Because if not, I’m going to stop feeling happy for you having the sex for which you’re not all black-saucer-eyed. But good on you for banging the vamp (except for how he’s a creepy-creep). Also, you throw an impressive punch.
Franklin, you creepy-creep, you officially have Chuck Bass status, and I hope you’re worthy. I adore Chuck Bass, despite his wannabe date-rapist past and other various transgressions. So I’m going to forgive your refusal to bite Tara because she wants you to (I dub thee fang-raper), and your manipulation of Tara (hasn’t the girl had enough faculty-deprivation to last a lifetime?) and hope you do something to make yourself worthy of my adoration right-quick. Asking Tara why she’s so angry all the time was a good start. So was declaring Jessica irritating.
And Jessica is irritating. That’s all I have to say about her. Hoyt, though? Adorable. Since Jessica hasn’t acknowledged the cuteness of your new haircut, Hoyt, I will. Very cute.
Also annoying: Lorena. More on that later. Also adorable, though completely unrelated to Lorena: Jason. Get some counseling, though, honey, especially if you really do want to be a cop. You’re not going to get you a drug dealer every time by happening to be in the right place after being distracted by an ethereal beauty in the woods. Or maybe you are. You are Jason Stackhouse, after all, and you are packing heat.
And oh my god, Andy totally watches Criminal Minds. Brilliant.
I’m not particularly interested in Sam‘s whole storyline, but I’m trying to keep an open mind. His dad’s comment that the minute you get married your wife starts to “woman ya” is charming, though.
And speaking of being womaned, Pam is ever more fantastic. I don’t really have words. My only criticism is the sometimes-unfortunate lipstick, but I’m willing to forgive that for “lie back and think of Estonia” and hypothetical chainsaws (warmed my lawyerly cockles, that).
Also warming my cockles of late is Lafayette, who suggests that it must be something new for Jason to have a lot on his mind (truer words, my friends), but who also might be the best person in Bon Temps. I’d eat his AIDS burger any time.
Alcide is dreamy, and I’m sure I’ll have more to say about him later, but I’m mostly preoccupied with why Sookie is constantly scrubbing things in cute little dresses that don’t cover her knees in any conceivable fashion and also, you know, would get all dirty. Which I’m sure Eric would like. So I guess it’s okay with me, then, because Eric can have whatever he wants. INCLUDING MAYBE SOOKIE IN EPISODES TO COME BECAUSE OH MY GOD, BILL, YOU IDIOT, DID YOU JUST MAKE ME COMPARE YOU TO EDWARD FUCKING CULLEN?
I’m really not a fan of the whole “I just cause suffering wherever I go, so I’m not going to let the person I care about***, and who cares about me, have any input in whether they want to accept everything that comes along with loving me, I’m just going to leave” business that is apparently now a Thing in popular contemporary vampire stories. I’ve been Team Eric for a long time now (Other Teams I am on: Raspberry, Kitten, Anne Boelyn), but still…. Poor tormented Bill needs to get over it, but not before Eric and Sookie bang (a lot) and maybe fall in love, leaving Bill to find someone else to be all broody with. Because, as Ms. Rooks so eloquently said,
but seriously, nothing says “let’s see other people” like “i fucked my ex-girlfriend’s badly mangled still-breathing corpse because I couldn’t stand to look at her.”
So I guess now we have to talk about the safewording.
Because oh my christ. That is just. not. right. It’s less right than Tara’s o-face, which is saying a lot, and I’m still freaked out by Lorena’s SillyPutty neck and Bill’s complete embrace of the hate-fuck beyond any bounds of reasonableness. I mean, I guess I can’t complain about how Bill’s a broody boring vampire anymore, but I’m not quite sure I was ready to let go of that. I’m not supposed to need a safeword with Bill.
Also, so, is Lorena dead or what? (I’m guessing not, because she didn’t turn into a stringy bloody mess, but I guess we’ll have to wait TWO FUCKING WEEKS to be sure that Bill doesn’t end up slipping around in dead vampire instead of…well…slipping around in not-entirely-dead vampire, I guess?)
I AM EDITING THIS POST TO ADD, SO, OKAY, YOU GUYS, SOME PEOPLE ON FEMINISTE THINK THAT MAYBE LORENA WAS MAKING BILL BANG HER VIA MAKER-POWERS. Now, we know that Lorena “released” Bill, but can she still make him do things? That would make the scene make so much more sense, and I’m more okay with Bill breaking Lorena’s neck while she’s raping him than I am with him just having the most epic hate-fuck evAr. But still. The SillyPutty business: gross.
*I don’t think the comparison is too ridiculous! Here is my evidence:
- Sookie is a telepath. Your less-reputable websites suggest that both INFJs and Pisces are inclined towards psychic phenomena. I am both!
- Sookie has a gap in her teeth. I once had a gap in my teeth. We will ignore, for purposes of this list, that the gap was created by orthodontia and quickly corrected by the same.
- Sookie has blonde hair. My hair would be blonde if I didn’t dye it!
- Sookie had an adorable cat until Rene killed it and hung it from a ceiling fan or whatever. I have an adorable cat, and sometimes my roommate would like to kill it and hang it from a ceiling fan or whatever.
Conclusive? I think so.
**My roommate says that we can only live together because she knows I’m judging her but she doesn’t care. I think this is probably true.
***MAYBE. My guess? He actually loves her (whether of his own volition or because of weird business with her blood [also, I kind of wonder if there’s something about her that makes it so she can’t be a vampire? I AM CURIOUS]), but his encountering her was NO MISTAKE and probably at SophieAnne’s bidding.