The Thing Speaks for Whatever

Things I learned in Texas

In Katie, Legally Inclined, This verges on the ridiculous, Whiskey. Tango. Foxtrot., Why Didn't Lisa Frank Make a Privilege Knapsack with Dolphins? on September 30, 2010 at 11:16 pm

I’m currently on a business trip. In Texas. The work is heinous and plentiful. So is the douchery. Here is a list of things I have learned:

1. It’s important to find a wife with the right religious pedigree.

2. There are people who can say the above with a straight face.

3. China is more of a capitalist country than the United States under Obama.

4. There are people who can say the above with a straight face.

5. Citing a Fox News poll in a discussion is acceptable.

6. There are people who can do the above with a straight face.

7. Chewing tobacco is truly disgusting, but apparently acceptable in a conference room work environment.

8. Men can talk about being close to their high school weight as long as they preface it with “I know I sound like a girl right now.”

9. It is appropriate to say “faggot” in a work environment as long as you’re joking (e.g., “Look at that faggot in the pink shirt! Hahahahaha”)

10. Someone being a devout atheist is a good reason not to watch shows/movies s/he’s in.

11. Clean comedians are better than ones who curse or talk about sex. Their humor lasts longer. Just look at Chevy Chase. However, faggot jokes are funny.

There may be more lessons in the days to come; I’m here for up to 8 more days. You better believe I’ll be working like hell to try to get out of here sooner.

  1. Everyone knows the douchebags are bigger in Texas.

  2. I maintain that that’s Houston being egregious, not Texas generally.

  3. I’m just a reiterator. I don’t iterate, i reiterate.

  4. Today there was talk of anchor babies.

  5. OK…as a proud Texan (yes, I will hold to that even though my chosen home is now New Orleans, which is much to be preferred), I would like to submit the follow for evaluation: Though it could be said that “everything is larger in Texas,” I have come to believe that doucebaggery is a class, more than a location issue. Though it is said that, “money cannot buy class,” I believe that men between the ages of 15 and 70 of a certain wealth strata have lost all sense of decency and ability to think for themselves.
    But that could just be my experience…

Whatever, yo.

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