The Thing Speaks for Whatever

The Beige Menace

In Boxed Wine Is Bad For You, In which we watch too much television, Jenny, Kwanzaa on October 13, 2010 at 2:50 pm

There are plenty of reasons to dread the possibility of Carl Paladino becoming governor of New York. He’s gross.

But I wanted to alert everyone to another odious threat. If Andrew Cuomo is elected, the new first lady of New York will be none other than . . . Sandra Lee.

 

Gag Her With That Spoon

Even her dog is beige

 

That’s right. She of the semi-homemade. She of the pink cocktail. She of the gold-tinted tablescape. She of the Kwanzaa Cake.

You know what I don’t want? I don’t want children brainwashed into thinking that drinking copious amounts of chardonnay, slapping canned frosting on a store bought sheet cake, spray painting everything beige, and calling yourself a “lifestylist” is an equally valid and successful option. It isn’t.

Are we really going to go from Michelle Paige Patterson, who’s just tops and may have an open marriage, to a woman who would like to turn the whole world into a colorless, tasteless, pinot grig soaked, cream-colored monstrosity?

I’m not encouraging anyone to vote for Paladino. Clearly he’s batshit, tabloid ridic. And I realize that the scourge of the bougie beige is on a spectrum of evils and that it could be worse. But I am afraid. Very, very afraid.

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  1. For some inexplicable reason, I’m suddenly dying for some Campino’s.

  2. Does this mean the state of New York is effectively trapped between a dick and a beige place?

  3. OMG, First Lady Sandra Lee would be AMAZING. I say first the governor’s mansion, then the WHITE HOUSE. Can you imagine the Queen sitting down before a plate of cheezy potatoes? EPIC.

    • I’m pretty sure the easter egg hunt would become a shitshow of epic proportions, that’s for sure. “Mama, why are all the eggs beige?”

  4. Wait a minute. Is her dog licking her ice cream?

    Highly suggestive, folks. Highly suggestive.

  5. Holy. Shit.

  6. […] an idea that horrified me from basically the moment I was made aware of its existence (thanks Jenny!) within the so-called courtship movement just over a year ago.[9] (In retrospect, I eventually […]

  7. […] an idea that horrified me from basically the moment I was made aware of its existence (thanks Jenny!) within the so-called courtship movement just over a year ago.[9] (In retrospect, I eventually […]

  8. […] as neutral colors.  It’s like a dystopian future as decorated (at least for our heroine) by Sandra Lee.  If that’s not shudder inducing, what […]

Whatever, yo.

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